jack london
Quitting drinking is difficult but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Anyone who tries to help an alcoholic to stop drinking, to save him to solve some of his problems (for example, housing), will not achieve anything. Love alone is not enough to help get rid of the most difficult addiction either, you still need to know what to do. For it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a given situation makes the relatives, saving an alcoholic, to create the wrong stereotype of relationships with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism and they themselves become codependent.
The traditional role played by alcoholics' relatives, most often the wife, is the "nanny" role. In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around her are unaware of the presence of alcohol. She supports the family, maintains order in the house, educates the children, and this education also has its own characteristics: from an early age, children are taught not to take "dirty clothes in public". The relationship with the drinking "half" of the "nanny" depends on the state of that "half". During a binge, the "nanny" takes care of an alcoholic: she meets him at the places where she drinks and takes him home; she calls work and says she's sick; tries to neutralize their aggression, often enduring beatings and insults; it feeds and washes it.
During a period of sobriety, the "nanny" may continue to patronize and please the alcoholic, thus hoping to prevent him from drinking or, on the contrary, as if she were acting, to burden him with various acts and duties. In either case, after a while, another binge develops and everything starts all over again. This cyclic algorithm of relationships can exist for an arbitrarily long time. The "nanny" not only with her actions only aggravates the development of alcoholism, -in the end, she herself can no longer live differently. That's why so often alcoholics' wives, when they remarry, choose drunks or drug addicts as their mates.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is sick with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is to do nothing that contributes to the development of the addiction. This means the following:
The drinker must solve his problems alone.
Well, since he creates them for himself, let him decide. Otherwise, he won't have a barrier before the next drink as he waits for your help. Sometimes it comes to the absurd: the husband has already used up the entire "family pot" to drink, there is nothing at home, and the wife walks around with acquaintances, borrows money to pay off her husband's debts, which he made during the devotion.
Trying to save money, you don't have to call an alcoholic at work and tell him he's seriously and suddenly ill. First, it's not good to cheat - don't set a bad example for the kids; secondly, after two or three calls, no one will simply believe you and at least chuckle at you; and thirdly - today you will save him from a simple beating that perhaps would have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even harder and, in the end, he will lose his job.
It is completely unacceptable, from our point of view, the situation in which compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves to make an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer drugs to a loved one or some other poison.
treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on their body, then you can hide it under their clothes, pour in deodorants so there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that they move less and not feel pain. As a result, all of this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, an abscess is opened, a course of antibiotics is "punctured", although it is also quite painful, then there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, it's better not to.
Alcoholics, ex-smokers and drug addicts are very sensitive to where something can be achieved and where there will be a categorical refusal. In this respect, they are like children, and we must often communicate with them as if they were children: where necessary - praise, and when necessary - punish. But not one, even the most insignificant episode associated with alcohol use should go unnoticed and, of course, it is necessary that the degree of "punishment" matches the degree of "offense". And don't be confused by solid age and the representative appearance of the "guilty". Strong incentive and punishment policies generally work well across a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
So, for example, if a wife promises her husband that, in case of another binge, she will divorce him, and he literally comes "in the brow" that night, then, at least the next day, she should write a divorce decree. and ask your husband to sign that he agrees. The application filed at the notary's office can always be withdrawn, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much more quickly than countless reproaches and broken promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should always be negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the minimum, even the smell of smoke, should not be without its negative evaluation. That doesn't mean you have to make dishbreaking scandals every time. In no case should this be done - such "confrontations" will only lead to the fact that an alcoholic with a clear conscience will "relieve the stress" and will gladly tell his drinking buddies that his wife is a bitch and that he drinks exclusively for the cause. of yours. Such situations must be discussed calmly, of course - in a sober mind, their reasons must be analyzed and real conclusions drawn. It should look like this:
- Expensive! Yesterday, at a party, you drank again despite your promise not to. It was very unpleasant for me, because at the end of the night you looked completely indecent, and coming back from you was just scary, you behaved so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of problems at work, and I decided to drink a little so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And beside me was the hostess's husband, who was serving me all the time, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. That's probably why I overreacted.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, he must keep it! And it turns out that it's easier for you to break your promise than to say "no" when they serve you vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I do not understand! Let's not kid ourselves! Over the past year, more and more we have to talk about it - I think it's time to consult experts.
- You need - you and be treated.
- Firstly, we both need it and secondly, no one will treat you, let's just talk to a psychotherapist about how to behave in some drinking-related situations.
Sometimes, such conversation is enough for a person with alcoholism to accept to come to us, but most of the time they resist in every way possible, referring to the lack of free time, the uselessness of this visit and so many other reasons " valid". You must be adamant and, with each new episode of alcohol, insist more and more decidedly on your own. Also, if conversations are ineffective, don't hesitate to use other methods of pressure, which your intuition and knowledge of your loved one's character should alert you to. By the way, don't forget to remind yourself periodically that in developed countries anyone more or less self-respecting has their own psychologist, with whom they meet periodically. And not having is as embarrassing as, say, riding a "Zaporozhets" hunchback.
All conversations with an alcoholic must have a specific logical ending.
Any conversation you have, any dispute about an existing alcohol problem must end with some kind of constructive decision. In no case should you stop midway and allow your patient's alcoholic "me" to once again deceive everyone and force them to postpone actual anti-alcohol actions for an indefinite period. Since normally these conversations end with the alcoholic's promise to stop drinking, and everyone formally calms down. Of course after a while everything repeats itself again, and so on - ad infinitum. So, if your drinking relative tells you that he understands everything, he does, he deeply regrets it and it won't be that way anymore, take his word that if he still drinks at least once (no matter how much), you will go together to a psychologist.
When saving from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing a patient's relatives can do is also not to drink or store alcohol at home. The alcohol in this house can only have one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, bright green and the like). And while many of our patients, who haven't had a drink for many years, feel completely calm in liquor companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it's best to play it safe. The fewer provocative factors, the calmer. First, and second, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic, who categorically does not regard himself as such, educates and tries to help another more "successful" alcoholic in creating (along with the Green Snake) everyday and social problems. Of course, pleas for a sober life don't sound convincing if they breathe smoke into you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter hasn't lost his job and his wife hasn't left him yet.
Don't hide the fact that your loved one has an alcohol problem.
It's not an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you must not deceive anyone, deceive, pretending you don't know anything. In no case should you deceive children, much less force them to tell a lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who influence the alcoholic in solving the problem: parents, adult children, friends, bosses, colleagues, will help promote the cause - don't hesitate to tell everything and ask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be substantive.
It's not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him, this is an empty sentence. You need to prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you're going to involve someone else in it. For this, it will be useful to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication and behavior in this state. Simply put, you need to keep a diary and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to film drunk flights on video, it should be done, and you will discuss the moral and moral aspects of such actions when saving your loved one from the consequences of a serious and incurable illness.
The alcoholic needs to receive objective information about his illness.
A person who drinks unconsciously perceives any information unilaterally: he hears and sees only what he wants and what he doesn't want—he ignores it, not paying attention to it. Of course, only this information is allowed into consciousness that does not harm the friendship with the Green Serpent. The role of the censor is played by that alcoholic "I" itself, the inner voice that resonates within every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, disguises, adapts to the norm everything that has to do with drinking.
In this sense, for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the recipient, it is necessary to approach the solution of the problem in a creative way. You won't get anywhere if you stick newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters all over your walls. But if you happen to say that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was several years younger than you, is already in the next world, and your next binge is to blame for it, an alcoholic might be thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after barely recognizing his friend from school in one of the homeless people digging through garbage.
Be sure to let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written to make it interesting for everyone to read.
Help the alcoholic's sober self.
Don't expect the alcoholic to start changing his stereotype of life, but actively (but not intrusively) help him do so. Take him to movies, theaters, sports fields, take him out of town, introduce him to interesting people. The alcoholic himself (if, of course, he is still socially adapted) is often very difficult to do this, as he is constantly in trouble - most of his time is taken up by the Green Snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he doesn't know which side to approach them.